For Immediate Release ··· July 30, 2010
— written by Harry Palms, your resident sex toy expert

Foremost:

You don't know me, and I don't know you, and that's just fine by me. Regardless, I hate seeing money wasted, whether it's by me or someone else. As such, I present you with this 100% real, unbiased, no bullshit review of the popular Fleshlight (FL) sex toy.

Why This Site?

I find it really hard to believe that I'm the only guy – out of Fleshlight's million plus customers – who feels the way I do. I mean, I just shelled out nearly $70 for what...? A mass of rubbery goo that I wouldn't confuse with a pussy if my life depended on it. Yet every Fleshlight "review" site you look at has rave after rave after rave about this thing. How many of these raves are actual customers is anybody's guess...

Fleshlight has an "affiliate program", which basically cuts a monetary slice of sales to any affiliates who push their product. That being said, it's reasonable to expect a lot of bogus, inflated reviews about the product – coming primarily in the form of affiliates trying to get paid for pushing this "great product".

So, I figured I'd order one, try it out, and give a real, no bullshit review. And I did. And it's junk. Plain and simple, a waste of fucking money. As such, I felt it was my pubic – er, public – duty to let you guys know that this "king of boy toys" may not live up to the huge expectations you've been fed.

The Good

I ordered this thing, and a day later, it was en-route to me. +1 point for the speedy shipping. Second: err... uhh... hmm... Not much else. Short section here, sorry.

The So-So

I never received the tracking confirmation e-mail message that I was told I would receive, despite providing my e-mail address at the time of checkout. As such, when Fed-Ex fucked up the shipment (which is nothing new), I had to call ILF, Inc. to speak to a human to get my tracking info. To ILF's credit, my hold time was about 15 seconds. +1 more point for the speedy service.

The thing finally arrived, discreetly packaged (though I'd already told my wife what it was). I opened the box, and my very first impression was that the plastic case itself looked like a piece of shit... but whatever. I grabbed the box and ran off to prep myself for my sex toy fucking to end all fuckings, leaving my wife to wonder what type of freak she married.

The Bad

My dick is by no means huge, but it's also not tiny. The first time I used the Fleshlight, I lubed myself up pretty well, and I also lubed up the FL. Now, maybe it was the fact that I left the back "suction cap" on, or maybe it was because I wasn't dripping with lube, but not only was entry into this thing difficult, but it also hurt like hell. This suction cap, incidentally, is supposed to control how much air escapes (or doesn't escape) to create a "more intense" sensation. In my case, that meant a "more intense" sensation of PAIN.

I had the suction cap halfway on when I first managed to cram my cock into this thing, and upon withdrawing fully, that suction "sensation" felt like someone stabbed me in the dickhole with a lit match. Holy fucking hell, that didn't feel good.

The Really Bad

Maybe it's because I'm used to just "slipping right in" during sex – or maybe it's because I don't have a long history of fucking rubber masses – but whatever the case, pressing my man meat into this contraption made the tip of my dick burn like a motherfucker.

Mashing the head of my cock into this rubbery slab wasn't easy, and in doing so, the tip of my dick got so fucking sore and red, I thought I had Chlamydia. Fuck you, you dirty, whorish, slutty rubber pussy, you!

Anyway, I finally made it all the way into this thing and – while I was relieved to finally be in – that was about the only relief I'd experience. Talk about BORING. I tried using it one-handed, two-handed, no-handed. I tried holding it down and fucking it, which isn't really all that easy considering how tight this fucking thing is.

I leaned over, pants still around my ankles, and grabbed a couple of porn mags. Nope, even visual stimulation wasn't going to help me here. This was just fucking BORING. Plain and simple, BORING.

The Reality

The model I'd purchased – the $70 "Stamina Training Unit" (STU) – was (just my luck) one of the more expensive models. It was said that, "if you can last 10 minutes with the STU, you can last 20 minutes with the real thing!" That claim (not the higher price) was what drove me to that model. I figured, hey, I have no problem with stamina or premature-E or anything of that nature, but if this thing will make me cum in a minute, it must feel pretty damn good.

The reality was that this thing was just too tight and just too boring. In fact, on my first use, I stopped using the thing after just a few minutes out of complete disinterest.

Take Two

I came back to my girl-in-a-tube a few hours later after the burning in my dickhole went away. I figured this time, I'd slather myself with so much lube, I'd blind myself with the glare. I also took the suction cap off, having learned from my prior mistake. This time around, no suction cap pain, but again – getting into this thing, no matter how hard or how greasy (yes, the lube was water-based, not oil-based) was difficult and painful.

I fucked the slab of pussy-meat for a few minutes, and again lost interest. I pulled out my sore dick for a second time and wiped off my glistening manrod. I pulled the Fleshlight "gel insert" (the meat part) out of its case, swung it around the room like a whip (the material is very stretchy), and then tossed it into the garbage. $70. Poof. Gone.

The Question

All that said, I have to wonder: just who the hell was this thing made for? I mean, if you've ever had sex with a real pussy, ass, or mouth, this thing just isn't going to do it for you. Just who is the intended audience? Inexperienced teenage virgins? I mean, seriously. Just a quick search online, and I found several guys definitely under 18 who "purchased the thing with [their] dad's credit card".

And to my surprise, while a few of these kids said they did, indeed, like their new-found glory hole, still another few said they DIDN'T like it! How pathetic is THAT?! So even some kid who's never had real pussy before thinks that this fake jiggly puss-mass is just "meh" (in his own words). meh, indeed, my friends. meh, indeed.

The Incidentals

Incidentally, I read that this thing was invented by a police officer who had to resort to self-stimulation because his wife was pregnant. I even briefly skimmed the patent document for the thing – a device used for collection of sperm. hahaha... Anyway. I'm not sure what was "invented"... the formula for the rubbery mass or the idea to hide a rubber pussy in a flashlight tube.

I had a rubber pussy more than a decade ago. It cost then about what the Fleshlight cost me now, and it felt pretty damn similar to the Fleshlight. The only difference was that my old-school rubber pussy made me cum. Maybe it was because I was one of those "inexperienced teenage virgins" I so affectionately referred to above. My old rubber pussy was more like a "rubber pelvis". It had a lot more heft to it, and it was a hell of a lot easier to fuck. And given the fact that my dick hasn't grown over the last decade (and I distinctly remember fitting into my old rubber pussy), I'm sure the thing wasn't as cock-chokingly tight as this Fleshlight.

So where has technology gotten us in the last ten years? We've "advanced" from rubber pussy to rubber pussy in a can?! For fuck's sake...

More Incidentals

I can understand when huge corporations register domains like mycompanysucks.com to protect themselves from pricks like me. But here we have a company that makes rubber pussies for Christ's sake. Why do I mention this? Because when I went to pick up a domain name for this little rant, I found that not only was fleshlightsucks.com taken, but it redirects you to fleshlight.com!

For fuck's sake, even these people know their product is shit! Be that as it may, I had to resort to using thefleshlightsucks.com. Whatever, whatever.

The Verdict

This one should be pretty obvious, especially considering this is thefleshlightsucks.com, after all. The verdict is that for $50, $60, $70+, I would much rather spend my money on something better – or even nothing at all for that matter.

I've fucked everything from assholes to armpits, and the Fleshlight doesn't feel like any of them. It feels like... well... it feels like fucking something that's hard to describe and that I wouldn't suggest paying money for to try to put into words.

Our Recommendation

Our suggestion: Don't waste your money on this piece of shit. At very least, save your money. Better yet, sign up for something like Velvet9 and try to score some real pussy. If you're a fat slob or some pin-dicked little punk, spend the money on a porn site or something, and stick with your hand... Trust me, you'll be glad you did.

— Harry Palms